Working With Difficult People

After the last post about rehearsals, I got a message from a former student about his experiences with what we will classify as a “difficult person.” Most of the ideas we discussed there are about what we can do to be professional, but not about what to do about others who make the situation unpleasant or even unbearable. Of course, this is a moving target, since like a virus, bad behavior has a way of evolving…

One thing’s for sure: what they appear to want is different than what they really want. I will put what I think their real objective is, followed by what you might do to deal with it.

The Usual Suspects

1. Passive aggression part I: They don’t like what you are doing, but refuse to actually tell you what they want. I dealt with such a bandleader on the road. The harder I tried to please him, the more belittling he was towards me. If I asked for suggestions, he would say “just listen to the record!” or some other vague reference. These people don’t want to solve the problem; they want to make you feel bad.

My suggestion: Smile, and act like everything is OK; eventually they will find another target, or they will fire you, and you have no power over whether that will happen.

2. Know-it-all: This person knows how the music is supposed to go, and will tell everybody what to do, whether or not they are in charge or not. They appear to want to fix the music, and educate everybody. What they really want is attention. If you argue with them, even if you are right, you are giving them what they want.

My suggestion: humor them with “ah… I understand” or some other vague acknowledgement of their expertise, and then just do what you think is right. Not arguing with them will cause them to move on to someone who will argue with them.

3. Passive aggression part II: Pouting and overreacting. As an example: you ask someone to turn down, they turn down too far as a protest, or refuse to look at you. Not speaking to anyone after a perceived attack to their importance is another example. What they appear to want is to be the most important person in the room, and to be above criticism. What they really want is reassurance that they are part of the gang, and that they belong.

My suggestion: Ignore the sulking and glaring, and treat them like a friend, even if they don’t respond. Either they will learn some maturity or they will go away, since you didn’t address the attempted manipulation.

4. Snubbing and superiority: A musician who comes in and deliberately leaves you out of the social group as a statement that you are the “newbie” or a “b-teamer” and don’t belong.  They appear to want to “put you in your place” but what they really want is to feel important in the face of an unknown threat (you.) They will recruit others of similar insecurity to form a clique.

My strategy: Smile and do your thing. Attempting to belong will give them more opportunities to leave you out. I once spent nearly an entire tour-bus outing reading books. I was not inviting anyone’s attention. Don’t let this morph into pouting or sulking, just go about your business in a friendly way.

5. Blamers: These are musicians that find fault with everything you are doing and none with themselves. Again, they appear to be trying to fix the music, but in this case they are attempting to steer any scrutiny away from themselves. If they are in charge, this is a difficult one to evade, especially if they are wrong. (which happens a lot)

My suggestion: Take their suggestions in a cheerful way, and once again do the best you can. If you engage their tirade or get defensive, you give them what they want. I just say “OK” and proceed. 

6. Malcontents: People who resent something about the gig and try to recruit you into some sort of “mutiny.” They appear to want fairness, but what they really want is to take advantage of the situation. Certainly I have played gigs where I was lied to about the conditions or pay, but usually, it was poor negotiation on my part that led to this situation. If you really need to discuss business, do it privately with the parties involved.

What to do: Unless this was a true rip-off gig (and this will happen) just acknowledge the person’s complaints and go about your business. Otherwise you will begin to resent things yourself, and this will make you unhappy. If there is a business problem, address it in private, and don’t gossip.

Endgame

My dad, a kind, wise gentleman and a teacher, used to tell me, “Sometimes the only way to win is not to play.”

Occasionally, we have no choice but to get out. I have had to move on from unsalvageable situations, despite my best efforts. When this is necessary, do it with dignity, and without revenge. Despite the rudeness of others, it is best to try to “rise above” these situations.

Questions: 

Have you ever had to leave a situation due to a “no-win” scenario?

What are some ways you handle the bullies and troublemakers?

© 2012 Randy Hoexter