When we are children, our parents do a great deal to protect us from disappointment; they warn us not to “count our chickens” and to remember that we shouldn’t “get our hopes up.” While these warnings may make sense for a small child, we often carry them into our adult life, where they hold us back. Is an uncomfortable moment really that bad?
New Car Fever
When the time comes for us to replace our car, salespeople use our fear of disappointment to maneuver us into all kinds of unwise choices. We select a vehicle, find a model with just the features we want, and we get “fired up” about driving home in our shiny new status symbol.
Suddenly, little things about the deal begin to change: extra fees, finance options, even the price might change. Often, these new factors make the transaction undesirable and even unaffordable; but the salesman knows we are ready to buy, and we are in full disappointment-protection mode. He knows we are not going to let ourselves down by leaving without our new car, and we commit the next five years and thousands of dollars because of this choice. Was it worth all that extra money to avoid driving home in our old beat-up car?
Let’s rewind the video and imagine when we found out our new car deal was not as expected, we simply said, “No, thanks” and walked away. When we got home, our friends said, “Hey, I thought you were getting a new car!” Or, we simply left the dealership feeling bummed-out that we couldn’t show off our new wheels.
Amazingly, after a few minutes, we feel better. By allowing ourselves to be disappointed, we made a wise decision, and we learned that the letdown isn’t so bad.
It is important to remember that the lesson here is not about recklessness, but about the danger of protecting ourselves from disappointment to such an extent that we choose poorly. Some people are very reckless about their decisions; they don’t weigh the consequences and make rash choices. The above scenario, however, is about valuing our momentary comfort over the facts of the situation; we are being cautious, just about the wrong things.
Getting Your Hopes Up
When beginning a new venture, all that training about not setting ourselves up for failure can kick in. Let’s look at some of these:
Compositions: As long as they remain unfinished, we don’t have to face the letdown of their imperfections. No piece is going to be perfect, so this is inevitable. This causes us to end up with a huge backlog of partial works.
Career Moves: Making a record, giving a concert, writing a book, entering a competition, auditioning for a gig; these are all examples of potential disappointments. Unconsciously we avoid these situations and thus shield ourselves from the moment when we fail, or get the bad news.
New Beginnings: In order to avoid the feeling of having wasted time going down the wrong path, we stay on a dead-end journey, or we stand at a crossroads, afraid of a mistake. Fear of regret leads us to paralysis. Sometimes the best move is to acknowledge that we made a mistake, and move on.
Worst Case Scenario
In our creative and career choices, the biggest fear we have is of feeling disappointed and let down. The truth is, it’s not really that big of a deal; that feeling quickly passes. The real mistake is to shield ourselves from this situation, in our fear of getting hurt.
Has the fear of letdown ever held you back?
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